Have you ever had one of those nights?  When you go out with friends and expect "Yeah, I'll have a good time tonight," but then something happens, something unexpected, that blows away all your expectations.  And before you know it, you're playing basketball in the rain with this guy you just met, or climbing a tree in the middle of campus, or kissing in the back of a car rebuilt by engineering students, ignoring the taste of the fake blood from your Halloween costume, and then almost fall asleep there together because it's 6am.  And then, when you walk him to his doorstep and kiss him goodnight like a couple cheesy awkward high school students returning from a date, and finally walk home to go to bed as the sun begins to rise, you can't help but think to yourself, "Wow, I can't believe I just did.  Now there's a night I'll never forget!"

The other day, I was talking to my (then very pregnant, but now no longer pregnant.... More on that later) sister about my thesis, and how slowly it's going, and my general apathy towards my thesis, my research, and the whole process of actually finishing grad school... But that I really wanna finish and get out and get on with my life.  She then proceeded compare it to being a little kid when your mother made boiled spinach (or if you're one of those weird people who actually like boiled spinach, insert hated vegetable of childhood here) and forced you to eat it or you couldn't have dessert or leave the table to go do something more fun, like watch TV or play outside or slowly tear out each of your toenails in succession and wait for them to grow back (if ever).  But because you loathe the very sight of the green gobs of goo, you sit there staring at them for hours as they get colder and slimier and progressively less green... But you've still got to eat it.

This is pretty much a perfect description of what I'm going through.  I've been writing my thesis for about a month and a half now (actually writing, that is, though I've been "writing" for several months before that), but I only have about 20 pages done.  No, I haven't been doing anything else.  There really isn't any reason I shouldn't be done the whole thing and defending by now, or at least have a date set for the very near future.... But, I hate it.  I hate the process, I hate the project, I hate pretty much everything about it... But I have to get through it to go on with my life and get a real job and start making real money (I assume this will be more like pulling out my toenails than eating ice cream... With the added bonus that someone's actually paying me to pull out my toenails, even if they are paying me in ice cream).

It will get done, but I am no longer putting an end date on it, since I have pushed it back so many times already.  My supervisor is away this week and expects more when he returns on Monday, but considering I've been busy packing since I'm moving on Sunday, and that my computer screen decided to die on Sunday night and my lappy spent three days at the repair shop only to discover that it would probably be more economical for me just to get a new lappy (which I was hoping to be able to wait till I was actually making money again before I had to do that), and my latest back up was several days old, and either way it's done using Word 2007 which is incompatible with the Word 2003 (or earlier) on all the office computers......... I kinda haven't really gotten anything done.  It has helped to significantly progress my packing, however.

In other news, I'm an uncle again!  In addition to my brother's twin boys Thomas Richard and Reuben Arie Mitchell, whom I seem to have neglected to mention on here despite the fact that they are 11 months old now, my sister gave birth Tuesday to Joshua Mitchell Banman (Mitchell is his middle name, not a compound last name).  We're all very excited of course, and Mama and baby are doing well, though I'm thinking it might be time for a niece around here somewhere.....

MRI: 5 days

Jimmy Eat World Concert: 10 days

Cuba trip for Sarah's Wedding of awesomeness for a week: 12 days

First ever conference: about a month

The big 2-5: About 3 1/2 months... so, why aren't you all planning anything yet?

So, I've decided that I'm only going to go through with a Masters for the time being.  Yes, I said "only".  The original plan was to transfer to a PhD, which would be taking place in a few months if that were the case, and eventually become a professor about a decade down the line.  But I no longer wish to do that.  At least, not right now.

There are several reasons for this, of course.  I think there have been some issues with my project (and especially with the originality of my project, in that there is very little about it that seems original to me) that have kind of discouraged me from continuing with it in particular.  But I think in general, research just wasn't really what I expected it to be.  Or, maybe it was, and it doesn't thrill me like I thought it would.  Or maybe again, I just got into the wrong sub-discipline.  Or maybe I don't like that I would essentially be the only one of my friends still here at McMaster for the next 2-3 years while I finish out my PhD.  Or maybe I just lost my ambition somewhere along the line.  Or maybe my other interests have started taking over and vying for supremacy over that which I went to school for in the first place.

You see, for one thing, I never really got a good research foundation during my undergrad.  I didn't work in a lab at all during the summers.  Even my fourth year research project involved less actually working with chemicals and chemistry and running experiments, and was more geared towards data crunching and interpreting... And of course, by "more geared towards" I mean "pretty much entirely".  This is not so much conducive to me getting a feel for research.  I think that's why I got such a slow start when I started my Masters, and why I started getting frustrated early on.  Then again, it is easy to get frustrated when it seems like pretty much everything you're doing has been done before, and you can't help but sit back and wonder "what's the point?"

So, where does that leave me?  I haven't been completely turned off chemistry.  I still enjoy it quite a bit, especially when I understand the goal I'm working towards, and it doesn't feel like a rehash of what other people have already done.

First things first, I want to get a job, still in the field of chemistry.  I feel it's time I start living like a real person, and that involves making real money and getting all those wonderful things that real people get... Like independent transportation and living arrangements.  And besides, chemists are in high demand with a relatively small pool of individuals to choose from, so from what I've been told, I can start off at a reasonably good salary.

After a couple years of working and saving up money, I have three options as I see it:  Return to the PhD program in chemistry, with another supervisor at another institution; Return to school for something else TBA (though preferably something I could somehow combine with my current expertise); Or, continue working in industry, making money, and doing my best to climb the corporate ladder (though in a sciency way, of course).  The appeal of academia has always been very strong for me, so I expect it will likely be one of the first two options I end up following, but only time will tell.

So yeah... I'm still trying to figure out my future... And it kinda sucks.  So much has changed for me over the last couple years, and I'm still trying to figure things out, find my feet, and determine my life's direction.  I certainly don't want to waste what I've got.  My only thing is... I have to figure out what I've got first.

I hate the way my life is going, but have absolutely no idea how to change it, or even where I want it to go.  I feel like I'm just drifting with the current.  I've forgotten how to swim.

I realized once again this morning just how much I miss my trike.

I remember bikes too.  I haven't owned one in 10 years, and it's been about three or so since I've ridden one.  They're pretty good too, practical, good for getting from place to place quickly and efficiently.  But there's nothing that matches the tricycle for style.  With a trike, you can lean back, take in the view as you ride it around town, thanks to the bigger wheel in the front and the two smaller wheels in the back.  Everyone remembers that little kid, riding around like he owns the place, arms splayed to grasp the wide-set handlebars, which must of necessity have streamers blowing in the wind produced by the rapid momentum of the trike as little legs peddle furiously towards their ultimate goal.  Not to mention the platform at the rear of the non-motorized vehicle, extremely useful for helping out those less fortunate friends who are not so blessed as to be in possession of the coveted tricycle themselves.  Yes, trikes were a glorious invention.

It's unfortunate, however, that tricycles are really only available for children under the age of five, and that one does not ever truly appreciate the tricycle until one is older.  Yes, it's a wonderful plaything during childhood, and one can look back fondly and reminisce about it in later life, but where's the fun, the enjoyment, the sense of adventure that comes from actually riding a trike?  I suppose it's one of those exhilarating thrills that can only be experiences as a young child, and then is lost forever, to be fondly remembered as a relic from the age of innocence.

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In other news, the play I'm in starts tonight.  I'm super excited for it.  Wish me broken limbs!

As of about an hour ago, it is my birthday. Although 24 years ago this very moment, I was doing nothing more than giving my mother a lot of energy to do some ironing in the middle of the night before she decided that yes, she did indeed need to get to the hospital because a baby was on its way (even though the nurse there tried to tell her that I wasn't coming yet), it is still the 24-hour period designated as the day on which I was born, and so I find cause enough in that to celebrate.

My birthday has always been important to me, and moreso even in the last several years perhaps because there were a number years when I was younger when I didn't get to celebrate it with friends and only with family. I think it's because this day is about me, and in my vanity (however small it may indeed be) and desire for the attention and admiration of others, I take this opportunity to bask in the limelight for this one day in 365.  Although, given that this is Thanksgiving weekend, it is somewhat unfortunate that many of my friends are going home or travelling elsewhere this weekend and will not be available to join in my celebrations... Alas, but they have all wished me well and promised to acknowledge my aging at a future date.

The plan for today is a potluck barbecue, followed by laser tag, because laser tag is awesome. For this I am greatly excited.

As a birthday present to me (though really, it's a present to yourselves), I would like to very strongly suggest/recommend that you read the series A Song of Ice and Fire by George R.R. Martin, the first book of which is called A Game of Thrones.  This series was recommended to me by a student I TAed almost a year ago now.  I have read the first four novels over the past several months (there are seven planned for the series overall at the moment, and the fifth is expected to come out sometime next year), and I am absolutely obsessed with it.  The scope of the novels is epic, complex, brutally frank and realistic at times, but enthralling in depth and intricacy of storytelling.  Martin has been called "an American Tolkien", and while I am still not entirely convinced that this is true (mostly because the gallantry and nobility that Tolkien strove to portray in his characters is not a major concern or purpose behind the actions of most of the characters), I think I can say that this series is in the process of usurping the iconic LOTR as my favourite work of fantasy literature (or any literature, for that matter) - And given my obsession with LOTR, that is indeed quite a feat.

So everybody have a wonderful Thanksgiving weekend (even if it's not Thanksgiving where you're from), and get to reading... It'll be worth it :D

I hate dating.

That is all

Nothing much to report... Except that I got a part in a play, which is exciting. It doesn't seem to be a long play... quite short in fact, though entertaining, especially if you're familiar with Hamlet. If you live nearby (and even you don't :P), you should come see it. End of October beginning of November. More details forthcoming.

I just had a meeting with my supervisor, and he gave me more work to do.

Now, this might sound like a bad thing, but considering that the vast majority of my time in the last year has been spent waiting for something or someone in order for me to be able to continue my research, I account it a good thing. It gives me more of a purpose, more of a reason to get up and come in every day, and even if it doesn't end up working out, hey, at least I tried and learned in the process.

I've also been loving my new apartment, and Peju makes an awesome roommate. It feels more like home than any place I've lived in so far, except the home I grew up in of course. I even already have my posters up in my room, and that usually takes me at least a couple months. It's really a great place to live.

And if anyone knows anything about mp3 encoders or converters, let me know... turns out, I can't play most of my music on my new cell phone, cuz it only takes mp3 formatted files, and even then can really only play them if they have a bit rate of 128 kbs or lower.... Which most of my music is not... So no traveling music for me right now :(